TV SoundOff: Sunday Talking Heads

Well, good morning everyone! Feeling okay? No doubt still groggy and worse for wear after celebrating yesterday's primary in Guam well into the night. As is our wont, here in America! Yeah, mofeaux! Guam! Nine delegates! Let's get crunk right now and --

You know, sorry. I can't even with this. Sigh. Things are just not the same since Super Tuesday has come and gone. That night was the special night -- ten states, multiple time zones, lots of delegates and the coppery taste of certainty flooding the back of your throat. I can't even pretend that this week's Tuesday primaries in Mississippi and Alabama and the caucuses in Hawaii and American Samoa are the same level of excitement. They'll probably be no more decisive in the eyes of the media than Super Tuesday ended up being. There's this general sense that the primary season is both still hurtling to a conclusion and yet already over. Like Dan Bern once sang (though he sang it about a friend of his who had an unexpected intimate assignation with a globally-famous pop singer), it all happened "too soon" and now "things are s#!t from here on in."

Oh well, we shall always have each other and our Sunday Morning tradition of swiftly typed snap judgments and exasperationalist exposition. My name is Jason, and today there's going to be...well, there's going to be a lot of Newt Gingrich, I'm afraid. But I will contend with that. You all feel free to share with one another in the comments, shoot me a line if you'd like, and as always, you are invited to follow me on Twitter the rest of the week. Onward!

FOX NEWS SUNDAY

So, the reason for all the Newt today is because he's basically doomed if he can't win those two Southern Primaries. I mean, Newt is doomed anyway, but we'll all agree to pretend he isn't. Also John McCain is here to talk about what countries he wants to bomb, and whether or not he wants to bomb GAME CHANGE the movie I didn't see that's suuposedly based on the book of the same name that I read, though the movie looks like it should be called NICOLLE WALLACE AND STEVE SCHMIDT HAVE THEIR VENGEANCE ON SARAH PALIN FOR WRITING GOING ROGUE.

Meanwhile, did you know there were, like, some caucuses and stuff yesterday? There totally were. Santorum Kansassasinated Mitt Romney in the Toto State. But Romney is the King of Guam and the Northern Mariana Somethings Or Other and Wyoming.

But right now, we have Newt, on his last thread. He says that he'll win the vote this week, because as he tells it, the way it always happens, you start a little bit behind in the polls because of Romney's money...and then you catch up to him. That's actually not at all what's happening in these races. Rather, you start way ahead of Romney and then he catches you with his money and you lose. Nevertheless, Newt says that he's pulling ahead in Alabama and Mississippi and has "great organizations" in each state.

But Newt has only won two contests and much win 70% of the delegates remaining to get to the magic number of 1,144. Shouldn't he skedaddle? Gingrich says that Romney is the weakest GOP candidate since Leonard Wood and he'll probably lose this week, and "almost all conservatives are opposed to him." He predicts that come June, once the primaries are over, there will be a "sixty day conversation" instead of a coronation. And Newt will probably talk for forty-five of those sixty days non-stop, in a "Lincoln-Douglas debate" with Fate.

Oh, he will lower gas to $2.50 a gallon, with magic, and probably change your life with Lean Six Sigma and its Handshakefulness.

But shouldn't Gingrich let Rick Santorum take this? Newt says no, because Santorum isn't a real conservative, and "it's very misleading" to say that Santorum is a true conservative. He's actually the biggest loser member of a loser gang of Republicans who lost in 2006, according to Gingrich.

Gingrich says that he will achieve his magic gas prices within two years, by opening up drilling and the Keystone Pipeline -- ideas which are not founded in reality, I'm afraid.

Gingrich also erroneously attributes the desire to raise gas prices to Steven Chu, and Wallace does not correct him. (There's sort of no reason to correct him, I guess, since this is sort of a geek show interview with a candidate who won't ever be president.)

Newt looks tired.

Anyway, he's still talking about natural gas, but maybe we should just tap him, and at least have enough Newtonium to fill our fleet of War Zeppelins.

But shouldn't Gingrich let Rick Santorum take this? Newt says no, because Santorum isn't a real conservative, and "it's very misleading" to say that Santorum is a true conservative. He's actually the biggest loser member of a loser gang of Republicans who lost in 2006, according to Gingrich.

Gingrich says that he will achieve his magic gas prices within two years, by opening up drilling and the Keystone Pipeline -- ideas which are not founded in reality, I'm afraid.

Gingrich also erroneously attributes the desire to raise gas prices to Steven Chu, and Wallace does not correct him. (There's sort of no reason to correct him, I guess, since this is sort of a geek show interview with a candidate who won't ever be president.)

Newt looks tired.

Anyway, he's still talking about natural gas, but maybe we should just tap him, and at least have enough Newtonium to fill our fleet of War Zeppelins.

Wallace asks Gingrich to respond to today's news out of Afghanistan, where a U.S. soldier apparently left his base, went to the nearby villages, and went on something of a killing spree, murdering 16 civilians. Gingrich says that we need to investigate it and ensure that justice gets done and the families involved should be compensated for their loss. Presumably it would be monstrous for President Obama to apologize for this happening. After all, these civilians were in the way of our awesome war that will go on forever and will probably end up involving kids that were just born today.

Wallace plays Gingrich that clip of Newt talking about giving up and leaving the Afghans to their "miserable little lives" and asks if we should pull out of the country now. Gingrich says that he was speaking about President Karzai, who owes us an apology, because the Afghan soldiers we trained killed U.S. soldiers. But yes, he says, he has a "more pessimistic" take on the region than most people in Washington, and that we might be currently wasting lives "on a mission that might not be doable." So, he wants to withdraw, now? He's starting to sound a little bit like Ron Paul.

Wallace asks him if he's saying that we should pull out and cut our losses. Gingrich says that by "not doable" he means that the problem is "deeper and less receptive" to military intervention and that the region will be "very hard to deal with in the near future" and that this is why we need to develop our own energy.

Cue another round of neo-con op-eds in the Washington Post about the "disturbing isolationist streak" in today's GOP candidates, I guess!

[More liveblog is on the way, honest! Take a break and hit refresh in a few minutes.]

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